What do I want to happen Sunday night during the Oscarcast? Total chaos. Astounding upsets. Epochal disruptions of the space-time continuum. Weeping and wailing, heads exploding, dogs and cats living together... In short: I want the bloviating Oscar bloggers to be battered and flabbergasted. After lo these many months of endless handicapping, it's no longer a question of who I think will or should win. No: At this point, to paraphrase Michael Caine in The Dark Knight, I want to see the world of the Oscar bloggers burn. Yes, that's right: I want American Sniper -- or, better still, Selma -- to claim Best Picture. I want Benedict Cumberbatch to snatch the Best Actor prize, and Rosalind Pike to strike Oscar gold as Best Actress. I want to see Wes Anderson tell his fellow Best Director nominees: "Back off, bitches! This motherfucker is mine!" I want Meryl Streep to go for the gusto and grab the Supporting Actress award. And I really, really want Robert Duvall to wrap his fingers around the Supporting Actor statuette, and tell anyone who doesn't like it to kiss his 84-year-old ass. So there. Think I'll go lie down now.
Courtesy of Bovada, here are the Oscar odds laid down by sports publicist Jimmy Shaprio. Best Picture Boyhood 1/14 The Grand Budapest Hotel 12/1 Birdman 14/1 Selma 18/1 The Imitation Game 20/1 Theory of Everything 25/1 Whiplash 50/1 American Sniper 50/1 Best Director Richard Linklater - Boyhood 1/14 Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu - Birdman 13/2 Bennett Miller - Foxcatcher 25/1 Morten Tyldum - The Imitation Game 25/1 Wes Anderson - The Grand Budapest Hotel 25/1 Best Actor Michael Keaton - Birdman 4/5 Eddie Redmayne - The Theory of Everything 1/1 Benedict Cumberbatch - The Imitation Game 12/1 Steve Carrell - Foxcatcher 25/1 Bradley Cooper - American Sniper 33/1 Best Actress Julianne Moore - Still Alice 1/20 Reese Witherspoon - Wild 10/1 Rosamund Pike - Gone Girl 20/1 Felicity Jones - The Theory of Everything 20/1 Marion Cotillard - Two Days One Night 33/1 Best Supporting Actor JK Simmons - Whiplash 1/18 Edward Norton - Birdman 9/1 Mark Ruffalo - Foxcatcher 12/1 Ethan Hawke - Boyhood 20/1 Robert Duvall - The Judge 33/1 Best Supporting Actress Patricia Arquette - Boyhood 1/25 Emma Stone - Birdman 12/1 Keira Knightley - The Imitation Game 20/1 Laura Dern - Wild 20/1 Meryl Streep - Into the Woods 25/1 Call me a sentimentalist, but I'm putting my money down on Robert Duvall (pictured above) for an upset. Of course, when I was in Las Vegas last August, I wagered $100 for my beloved New Orleans Saints to win the Super Bowl this year, so you might want to think twice before heeding my handicapping.
